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Lets take a trip to the moon, baby. [entries|friends|calendar]

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[06 Apr 2005|03:27pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

i will even make this a public entry, check that shit out.

anyone who is commenting on shanna's journal anonymously, PLEASE STOP. shanna and i have called a truce and are on what i believe to be decent terms. this also goes for anyone who's leaving anonymous comments in MY livejournal. please keep in mind that both of us are going through a lot, and NOBODY knows the whole story. the fact that i'm getting anon comments (lol, like i don't know where they come from) is really kinda agitating, cuz um, didn't i kinda just lose my husband and my best friend? i mean, you try losing two people you love and dealing with bullshit, ok?

so basically my point of this post is: shanna and i are both working on our lives in our own manners, and livejournal drama is not extra stuff neither of us should be dealing with.


8 havelove me

[31 Mar 2005|09:31pm]
[ mood | angry ]

let it be known that i no longer have any feelings of pity towards pointe_toes. being that she is now dating my husband.

yanno, it's amazing the people that fuck you over.

22 havelove me

[18 Mar 2005|11:46pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

oh god.
here we go again.

i love him.
i miss him.
i need him.
i crave him.
i'm his.

make the tears stop.
i can feel my heart break over and over again.

how can he not miss me?
how can he not love me anymore?
since when did i become nonexistant to him?
since when did i become a friend, and nothing more?

i'm so jealous of him.
i'm so enviable of his ability to throw me out like he did.
makes me wonder how he ever loved me..
IF he ever loved me.
but god, if he never loved me, he sure fooled me.

and god, no words could describe the absolute AGONY i feel.
the despair, the abandonment.
he came today for the mail and i wanted so bad just to be able to call him mine for one more day.
he breaks my heart.
he walks out on me.
he leaves me no security.
he shatters my world.
and god, what i wouldn't do for him to love me again.


i'm not supposed to be scared of anything,
but i don't know where i am.
i wish i could move, but i'm exhausted
and nobody understands (how i feel).
i'm trying hard to breathe now,
but there's no air in my lungs.
there's no one here to talk to
and the pain inside is making me numb.

i try to hold this under control.
they can't help me, cuz no one knows.

now i'm going through changes, changes.
god i feel so frustrated lately.
when i get suffocated, save me.
now i'm going through changes, changes.

i'm feeling weak and weary,
walking through this world alone.
everything you say, every word of it
cuts me to the bone.
i've got something to say,
but now i've got nowhere to turn.
it feels like i've been buried underneath
all the weight of the world.

i try to hold this under control.
they can't help me, cuz no one knows.

now i'm going through changes, changes.
god, i feel so frustrated lately.
when i get suffocated, save me.
now i'm going through changes, changes.

i'm blind and shaking,
bound and breaking.
i hope i make it through all these changes.

10 havelove me

[08 Mar 2005|03:52pm]
[ mood | blank ]

marc bought me two months of extra lj icon time.
hehe wordddd.

um. not much to say.
going to my mom's tonight.
and marshalls for an application.

going to get my drivers license changed tomorrow.
pattys coming over after work tonight.

i guess that's all i have to say.
byebye now.

love me

[06 Mar 2005|10:41pm]
i would say i'm doing well, considering. instead of dwelling on how much i love him, i am just going to take this time to enjoy life and be a single girl again. and if erik ends up coming back to me whenever down the line, my arms will be open to him.

he is moving thursday. and i think katie's going to move in. we gotta talk about that yet.

three days until i'm 21!

having a party at my house friday night in honor of my birthday!! jamielove, you're more than welcome to come! i will be doing liquor runs for whoever wants because i will be able to. FO SHO. um. so YEAH! partayyyyy.

applied for some places online today, and i plan to call jc penneys tomorrow. and get the house cleaned up.

funny how life works.
9 havelove me

[06 Mar 2005|01:47am]
[ mood | busy ]

gosh. tonight was crazy.

so after erik leaves for john's (after asking me a million times if i was going to be okay here and if i needed anything and saying he's sorry) i hop online and katie ims me. and asks what i was doing and says she's coming over. so she comes storming in and is like "where's erik's car?? where'd erik go?" i said "john's..." she's like "why the fuck is he at johns?!?" heh. but yeah. she's like, "you got weed?" i said no. so she's like, come on, we're getting weed. so we drive to sirenas and pick up a $30 bag, and sit there for a while with sirena and basically telling her the whole story in a short while. she couldn't really form any sentences other than "i'm trippin." lol. so yeah. then we go to amys. where amy gives me some killer pills. that i haven't taken yet (and i promised i wouldn't, i will tell why later).

then we leave amys. and come to my house. and smoke and smoke. and smoke. and then patty comes over. and we smoke a bowl of her GOOD shit. mmhmm. then patty gives me the last bowl and a half of what she had. because tomorrow she is trading those muscle relaxers amy gave me for a half of some KILLERRRR weed. MMHMM. and she's just gonna pinch some from that.

so then katie leaves. blitzed. and patty and i play some mario party. and then she left.

and here i sit.

oh, and i promised i wouldn't take those pills because i am high.
as a motherfucker.

i am glad i have kickass friends.
i can make it through anything with my kickass friends.
(but i still want my baby back. :( )

4 havelove me

[03 Mar 2005|02:50pm]
[ mood | drained ]

i broke today, lj.
well, i guess i didn't really break, per se. but i wrote erik an email. saying all the things i want to say to his face but cannot because he is not there. i do not expect a reply from him. i do not want to get my hopes up. especially when it looks my marriage is about to collapse.

anyway. shanna's getting ready and we're going to my mom's and my gramma's. and the store cuz i need dryer sheets. cuz i did laundry today. mmhmm. still doing laundry, actually. and shanna let me take some hotass pix of her. which i will post safely when she leaves so she cannot kill me. (jk)

i haven't much to say except ramblings on the obvious. which i do not care to do, because today is not the day to be emo.

shanna leaves in two days.
emoness will ensue then.
and it's hard to be sad when there's constant poe playing in the house.

(at least i got her addicted to something GOOD. i could listen to poe forever.)


4 havelove me

[25 Feb 2005|02:31am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

so i went back and read her entries.
broke my heart how she went from incredibly happy to incredibly sad.

can we start over?
i love you.

2 havelove me

[24 Feb 2005|11:28pm]
[ mood | dying on the insude. ]

fuck it.
fuck everyone.
fuck life.

watching donnie darko with erik, shanna, patty, and russ.
and i'd really rather be in bed.

all of my relationships are dying.

romantic relationships.
friend relationships.
family relationships.

and i can't do a damn thing to grasp at any of them.
and nobody will tell me what the fuck to do.
and nobody will help me.

and if i had a loaded gun right now,
i assure you...
i wouldn't be here.

it's taking everything i have not to cut myself.
why must i be such a fucking failure?

14 havelove me

JOIN!!! [10 Feb 2005|11:05pm]

--a stoner rating community. pointe_toes and i are the mods. ;D
6 havelove me

[26 Jan 2005|05:04pm]
time goes so slow.
but it goes so fast that i'm struggling to grip on to it.

i have to go out and get wedding cards for my mom.

patty's coming over tonight after she goes out with jen.

then start tomorrow at noon. which means i better get sleep tonight. because we're shopping (with the money i don't have) and then picking up sarah and her soon to be sister in law to sleep over.

i just wanna curl up and take a nap. and disappear. maybe i'll work on that after i go buy the cards.
5 havelove me

[25 Jan 2005|09:05pm]
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love me

[24 Jan 2005|06:38pm]
3 havelove me

[22 Jan 2005|05:10pm]
HOTHOTHOTHOT new layout. check it out.

done by andri_designs
2 havelove me

[21 Jan 2005|07:09am]
[ mood | insomnified. ]

i'm still up. seriously. i got up. then around 5 went to bed. thought i'd be able to sleep. nope.

so i'm hungry, and i hope i can stay up until 11 to go to lunch with erik.. THEN i shall commence in passing out, and probably not waking up until evening. :P

god, i need to get me some insomniac friends. SERIOUSLY.

3 havelove me

[21 Jan 2005|03:57am]
random pictures cuz i'm bored, and of course, awake. :P

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6 havelove me

[20 Jan 2005|10:31pm]
so would someone like to tell me why i thought the 15th of february was on a saturday?!?! i must have been looking at the wrong month. eesh.

and now i hafta change all my plans around. not like i had many plans, but still. but it's kinda fun, because i like to figure things like that out.

SOOO... the party WON'T be on the 15th. because that's a tuesday = the day we're going to kierans to drink [if you're still interested, shanna]. but there WILL be a party, by god. i .. i just don't know when. :)
love me

[20 Jan 2005|07:37pm]
Stolen from xoxo_chula

Scan my interest list and pick out the one{s} that seems the most odd
to you. Leave a comment asking me about it, and I'll explain it.

Then post this in your journal so other people can ask you about your interests.

My interests in a cut:
Read more...Collapse )
15 havelove me

[20 Jan 2005|07:29pm]
Alrighty.. friends cut time. Since I may start saying more indepth things on how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. So yes. Comment if you want to stay on. <3
25 havelove me

[20 Jan 2005|05:43pm]
i know that spending money today is "wrong," but its gotta happen. fuck. i need cigarettes and subway.

so sarah has precervical cancer and is sad and patty and i are going over there today. but i had it too, it's not serious if it's treated, and she will be fine. so i put her mind at ease a bit. <3

WHO WANTS TO COME PARTY AT MY HOUSE ON FEBRUARY 15th TO WELCOME SHANNA TO MN??? All are welcome. :D Well.. if I know you, you're welcome. Lol.

I feel like I'm tweakin. I can't stop moving. It's weird. I'm just sitting here but i keep bouncing around. *shrug*

I need to... clean. Eh. I did dishes and cleaned up the pop cans. And the pop can thing.. yeah. There's a lot. I'm still not done. But I'm going to make Erik clean up the mess his boys left.

I emailed Erik last night and I don't even know if he's read it. If he did, he hasn't let me know. Just saying how we need to fix our marriage before it breaks... like he always fixes his computer before it breaks. *sigh*

let's take a trip to the moon, baby. MOONBAYYAYBAY!

um. the end.
8 havelove me

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